Apologies I wish I would get

This year, I had discussions of Danya Ruttenberg’s book On Repentance and Repair in two different groups. The first group was an interfaith group. The second was a Jewish group. They were totally different discussions. The first one left me deeply alienated.

I live in a Christian-based culture with a different notion of apology and forgiveness than I inherit from my Jewish upbringing. The value in Christianity that forgiveness is a greater good has caused me harm. It causes our society harm, too.  Those who cause harm (that is not criminal) can remain blissfully smug about their righteousness. to behave towards others as they did (and can continue to do so).

In an American-Christian context, if someone says: “I am sorry,” the other person must forgive or be labeled ungracious, wrong, self-harming, proud: committing a deadly sin, or just a bad person. The apology is the action that wipes out the harm. The apology is meant to free the harmed person from the harm that has been done. The offender, then, is free to harm someone else the same way.

In my experience, I have been shamed because I expect repentance before accepting an apology. When someone has harmed me and not reflected on their behavior, they are likely to harm me again the same way. “I am sorry” doesn’t cut it. To some people, that makes me a bad person.

I had a therapist for a number of years, and a number of thousands of dollars. Years into the process, he told me that the goal was to forgive the people who did me permanent physical harm and ongoing traumatic stress. Those people were entirely unrepentant. To their dying day, they rewrote history, justifying their actions or pretending that some situations never occurred.

I left that therapist shortly thereafter. He, too, owes me an apology (and maybe a refund). He did not mean me any harm; however, his narrowness and lack of client-focus caused me harm. His framework that forgiveness is the only route to letting go of trauma is his framework, not mine. I have since found ways of letting go that are more honest to my principles.

What is a true apology?

My understanding of apology is a Jewish one. I have tried, repeatedly, to explain what apologies are meant to do. It is meant to help the offender grow into a better person. Those who want to understand me can learn a good bit from reading Rabbi Ruttenberg.

Forgiveness is not a practice of letting an offender say the right words “I am sorry” and go on harming people the same way. Forgiving the unrepentant is harmful; it is harmful to the offender and to the offended, and to all those who will be harmed as time goes on and that person continues to do the same kind of harm. Forgiveness may be freeing to some; but assuming it is freeing to all is wrong.

On this blog, I have addressed apology several times. Here is a quote from December, 2021 on the subject:

There was an apology and a promise to do better. It read:

“We sincerely regret the harm and are committed to learn from this mistake,” the apology said. “Going forward we will consult faith and community leaders, include their experience and expertise in our event planning processes, and ensure that every public-facing item is represented appropriately and accurately.”

… As I have written before, there is a formula for making a real apology. Medford made an apology and promised to do better. If they habitually include Jewish leaders in public information about Jews from now on, this is progress. Time will tell.

That is the formula for a true apology, without ever using the words, “I am sorry” or “We are sorry.”

    • Establish the context of the conversation.
    • Acknowledge that you did harm (or someone else did harm in your name that you benefited from).
    • Pledge to do better.

We are in the season of repentance in the Jewish tradition. My experience in discussion around Rabbi Ruttenberg’s book has had a side-effect that I need to repent of. It has hardened my heart to those who either apologize meaninglessly,or justify or fail to notice the harm they are doing. In the week leading up to Yom Kippur, I am addressing the ways I am closing off to my fellow human.

May all Creation be blessed with a good and sweet new year.

 

 

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